March 18th - Thinking about moving out...

I want to be independent... I want to be FREEEE... but I'm scared shitless that I wont be able to make it on my own.
Living on your own costs alot and I have school coming and thats going to affect my grades if I try to work enough to pay for rent and stuff. Plus I'm scared of leaving my shelter.... I basically only come home to sleep. I'm usually out and about... if not working or school.. I'm at prince charmings house.
We've talked about living together but I'm not sure its as easy as it sounds. Plus going from paying NO rent... to 700$ RENT.. thats expensive lol.
I'm trying to think long term here... I wish there was someone I could talk to about what its like to move out so young. I know people do it... but it just seems really stressful.

March 17th - I'm only fat when i stand next to you!

Do any of you ever have that mentality?
You start off looking and feeling great! Did your make up, blowing yourself kisses in the mirror... winking and smirking at how good you look... and then you meet up with your friends or have a picture taken with them and you're just like... UGHHHH.. at the way you look standing next to them.

lol. I read this quote on a t shirt once and it was like..."god... if you cant make me skinny... please make my friends fat!"
LOL thats too funny. I would secretly love to wish someone fat and have them live through what I live each day. Going up the stairs isnt an easy task lol. I can almost taste my goal weight in my mouth. It's there... just within arms reach lol.

March 16th - Thinking about calorie counting again?

Now I know how much I HATED this with a passion. But i DID lose the weight when I did this for a month. I lost 11 lbs. So I think its time to start again for a bit just to get me back on track. I havent gone swimming since my birthday because I've been so busy but its something I really miss. I love swimming!
My gym pass runs out in June so I gotta get using the pass soon lol.

I paid 400 dollars for a years pass and I swear I probably only used like 4 months consecutively... geeze... not sure If I'll be doing that again lol

March 15th - A new puppy?

So prince charming and I went to the flea market a couple of days ago and he saw this one puppy. Totally caught his eye. And he wanted it instantly. I told him to take down the number of the people and then we left. The rest of the day Prince charming was soooo upset and so we talked it over and drove out to go get her.

The puppy we chose is a big one. Its half huskey/wolf. Cute as can be. Black coat and its name is Lucy. She is quite the hand full! I kid you not, oh my goodness if anyone is thinking about having children... get a puppy first. See how it feels.
Sleepless nights, money being spent... exhuasting days ahead for us lol.

March 14th - The ring...

March 10th - The ring...

So on my birthday prince charming bought me a promise ring. Its sooo beautiful I was speechless. He told me originally that he wanted to buy me a ring and he took me shopping to pick one out. This one was the one that caught my eye and it was EXPENSIVE. They're real diamonds. I told him not to buy me a ring... I told him the one I had was just fine. He then agreed not to buy me one and then on my birthday he gave it to me. It was so expensive that I didn't think he would really get it for me.

Now I don't know exactly what the symbol of a promise ring is... All I know is that I'm promised to him. I love him alot

Good things do come to those who wait... I found him didn't I? :)
Now I just have to wait for the weight loss to happen lol (+ or - a little exercise lol)

March 13th - clubbing again

Went to a club... was more like a bar scene. It was too small in there and it wasnt my thing. I'm more into the dancing... this place was more like a lounge.
Defiantly going to try a different place next time.
Prince charming is still kind of worried about me going without him. I find it cute and only wish he could be there with me.
I hate how when I go to order a drink, I dont know anything about the names of them. I usually just ask for something fruity and they give it to me. It probably isnt the best idea lol.
I'm not a heavy drinker... I mean I waited till I was 19 to have my first drink. So one drink knocks me out lol. It tastes bad and is sooo not worth the 10$ a drink.

March 12th - Why cant I make videos?

The weight loss community is sooo different then what it used to be 1-2 years ago. Subscribers that I had back then are now gone. And the amount of people who are in the community has increased dramatically.

I have no idea why I dread the thought of posting videos so much. I make the videos... but I just dont post them.
Maybe its just not my thing anymore?!

March 11th - Weight loss so far

My weight loss so far is actually going AMAZING! I've lost weight and I'm happy with it happening slow. The reason why is because I figure that last time I didnt make it a life style change. Now i'm slowly incorporating it into my life.
The weight is coming off slow but thats ok!

I remember last year I lost like 30 pounds in 3 months. I wasnt hard. All I did was eat every 2 hours and most of it was fruit and then a big salad at night... I ate A LOT of food lol... just all healthy... and then at night time, I went running or walking for half an hour.
Feels like just yesterday I was skinny aha

March 10th - Family Birthday Dinner

So my family had a small birthday dinner since I didnt on my actual day. I talked to my aunt whos a nurse and she totally turned me off being one.
I know what I want to be in life. Its just that its going to take so much upgrading and stuff to get there :(. I considered being a nurse because my pre reqs were easy to upgrade and get into... Life's so complicated... how do you know where you want to go before you've experienced anything.

Someone mentioned to me the other day that if you look at half the nurses, alot of them are over weight and unhappy. Its more often then not that you come across a nurse thats mean then nice. Its because they carrey alot of baggage with them.
I DO NOT want to be that type of person in life.

March 9th - Going to India?

So prince charmings family invited me to go to India with them in December. But theres two issues. 1. I need to save up ALOT. And 2. I need to lose the weight before then (Which can be done). We'll be gone for a month and I'm honestly not sure if I can handle it lol. I'm too westernized.

-Alot of planning ahead lol

March 8th - saw alice in wonderland 3d

Hey guys so we took prince charmings little brother and sister out to see their first 3d movie and it was sooo cute! The smile on their faces was priceless. I've come to realize that I love little kids... I was beginning to think that I didn't because the high pitched voice that you keep hearing can get really hard on the ears after a period of time.

Anyways... children someday lol and then I'll get fat again with pregnancy.
Its a cycle lol.

March 7th - My first experience clubbing

OMG... I'm officially addicted. I LOVE clubbing. Its so much fun. Feels like a high school dance but 10 times better.
We all started off meeting at Boston pizza for dinner and then after we went to my place and partied it up a bit. After the limo driver picked us up and took us an hour away to go clubbing then we came back and man... it was a night to remember. I'm surprised that I didn't gain any weight lol. I ATE ALOT. I thought I might be back at 205 lol. Its time to kick it into full gear tomorrow. Oh and these jolly roger things... flipping amazing!!! (maybe they re called jolly ranchers... idk)

Take care!

March 6th - My birthday is tonight

I turn 19 tonight at 12 midnight and the limo is already picking us up... omggg so stoked! I bought this super cute blue and black dress that covers alot of hazard zones on my body lol. I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited lol.
Wish me luck.

p.s We're trying to get prince charming in with a fake id. Hopefully it all goes well.

March 5th - Pedicure and my thoughts...

Not my thing. First off... I don't like people touching my feet. Feet are gross lol. Second, I couldn't stop laughing when she was doing that sanding thing at the bottom of my feet. Third, even the massage was awkward because I don't let people touch my feet ever.

Over all experience was awkward but funny. The Asian ladies kept laughing at me cause I couldn't stop making faces and breaking into laughter when they touched my tickle spots.
My toes look cute though... but doesn't seem like something I cant do at home...
$55.. and lets just say... its good to try something at least once :P

March 4th - Manicures and Pedicures

I LOVE getting a manicure! but I've never had a pedicure... they gross me out lol. I hate feet with a strong passion. I had no idea why lol. All my friends even know it without me having to tell them. I'm always the one who wears running shoes in summer instead of sandals and covers my toes with sand at the beach so no one can see them. Or the person who ALWAYS has socks on. I just hate feet lol. Not to say that I'm neglect mine lol. So anyways today I'm going for my first pedicure.. I wonder how I'll take it. The reason I'm getting it done is because my birthday is in like 2 days.

Prince charming is taking me to a store tomorrow to buy me a ring. I think its a promise ring type of thing lol. For valentines day he bought me a necklace in the shape of a heart that was engraved with "forever" on it lol sooo cute. He wants me to pick out my ring though cause I'm pretty particular on what I wear and stuff lol

I'm super excited about my bday with the limo taking us around and stuff. It's going to be a blast! Anyways I'm swimming every single day again. I just missed Tuesday that's all.

Hope all is going well guys!

March 3rd - Hypnosis 2

Ok so I went for my second hypnosis session and this one was in regards to why and how I became plus sized (for lack of better words). The hypnotherapist sat me in a chair and I went out so easy! Turns out the main trigger was when I was around 3 years old. My mom would force me to eat and specifically guilted me into finishing my food. She would say things like "people in Africa are starving!" or "I paid a lot of money for that!" and "If you don't eat all your food you aren't leaving this table!" and that is what the conclusion came to which developed my eating habits. This IS where my eating habits began. The hypnotherapist helped me in a way that I cant even explain. I always thought that my lifestyle was bad because I didn't exercise. I though it was because I didn't eat the right foods... but really, with a deeper meaning, it really was the fact that I don't know when to say stop. I was in shock when I came out of hypnosis. I explained that I couldn't even REMEMBER a time where I had not finished my meal. I ALWAYS finish my food and if there is more to take I take more as well. The only time I pack up my food is when I feel like throwing up from stuffing myself and can no longer eat. I remember being with prince charming and he would take bites of his hamburger and then put it away and eat it again after 10 mins. I never really understood why he did that, turns out he says its because he gets bored of eating... god I don't think I've ever been bored of eating... I love food!! Its always prince charming that is first to say "I don't want anymore" and then he doesn't eat it. Where as I'll eat my food.. AND THEN i'll eat the rest of his lol. He is the one that can refuse food and when I ask him why he simply says " I just don't want any". I can really see the connection about what my mom installed into me when I was young. She made it so that I felt guilt for food. I look at hypnotherapy as a way of understanding myself. It was cool how she took me back to when I was 3 years old and pin pointed my first trigger to my eating habits. And let me tell you all she did was ask me about my first thought when I was younger while I was under hypnosis and it was almost like I was 3 again... SOOOOO STRANGE!!!
My cluster phobia is practically gone thanks to her. I can look at things I've never looked at before and its almost like I've seen life in new eyes. Before the session I couldn't even say the word "cluster" without getting itchy and irritable. Once in the grocery store I saw a texture that bothered me and my eyes started to water... I almost cried, it was that bad!

Anyways so I'm basically 194. I'm excited because I'm coming to learn more and more about myself. You cant fix something if you dont go to the root of the problem!

Take care
Tishy

March 2nd - You're too fat to date me...

Some of you may have seen the video that was posted on my youtube around the month of last May. It was a video which told about how I had met someone online. Although we had been talking everyday for like 5 months straight AND he knew I was losing weight and had lost 35 lbs, he turned me down when he met me. He said "I'm sorry but I'm just not physically attracted to you." I asked him how much I had to lose in order to date him and be with him (keep in mind I was head over heels for this guy) and he said "get to 130". Now mind you... my OVERALL goal... my perfect goal weight was 150 lbs. I had never even thought of getting down to 130 lbs. Everything I had worked so hard for vanished just because of a few simple words.

I've come to realize that there was alot more then just me eating alot which lead to me gaining my weight back. I went through a very VERY hard blow with that. As much as I didnt want to admit... all my confidence was gone after that day. I had never had a boyfriend and I had never even really experienced having a guy as a friend. You could only imagine such an innocent mind frame going through that.

Last year when I lost my weight and reached 170lbs my mother got depressed. I know this because she told me. I was officially skinnier then her. She started going to the gym and walking every day just like I did but of course she didnt follow threw with it. I went from hearing "YOU'RE FAT" to "You're looking good!" And let me tell you, my confidence back then was amazing. I wasn't cocky... I was just so much more happy with life and what it gave me. I was approachable! I made so many new friends... now I just hide in doors with my baggy clothes. I've only now come to realize that it was probably the incident with that online boy that triggered my lack of confidence. I DO NOT blame myself. I truly and fully love myself and accept myself for the person that I am. This is something I've struggled with for a long time. And now its time to do it again. I'm down 12 lbs now and im 3 lbs from being half way to my goal weight. (170 lbs)

I hope that wasn't too hard to follow! basically I was talking about what I think triggered my weight loss to come to a stop. I stopped caring and I don't blame myself for it.

My mom had a talk with me 2-3 times last week in regards to weight watchers. Shes going on and on about how I should join with her. I just laugh and say why pay money when I know I can do it on my own. I lost all my weight without the support of people around me. I HAD YOUTUBE as my support lol and that was enough. Anyways... I dont think I'll be joining weight watchers anytime soon... mind you I think its a REALLY cool support system! I just dont have the money.

Now... Prince charming (which most of you should know :) has a wonderful mother who is a very experienced hypnotherapist. She did her first session on me to cure a phobia that has been bothering me for about 17 years of my life. It was so odd to let her do that. I was scared at first because it meant giving up full control. I had some sort of "CLUSTER-phobia" It meant that I was extremely irritable when it came to textures and certain things in clusters. eg. honey combs, cells, the inside seeds of green and red peppers... when I saw these things it got to the point where I would almost start crying... I know, weird eh?
Anyways after the session she showed me pictures of my fear and I felt fine! I couldn't BELIEVE IT! I'm still shocked.
Anyways she mentioned that she needed 4 volunteers to do a weight loss band hypnotherapy. Apparently there are only 3 in the province that can do it and she is one of them. Anyways I thought what the heck! LETS DO IT! lol So I volunteered and its going to be for 2 months that I see her for 8 sessions of hypnotherapy in regards to my weight loss. I'm soooo stoked lol! I'm already losing weight but hey if this can give me the confidence to pull through then HELL YES i'm up for it lol. If it were something like an experimental drug or weight loss pill I wouldn't even think about it, the answer would be NO. but I trust her with this. So yea, starting tomorrow I get to do it. Im kind of worried because I turn 19 on Sunday and I'm going clubbing and stuff and I was planning on eating lots of good food. I asked her if it was likely that I wont allow myself to have that stuff when the time comes and she said yes. She offered to start it after my bday but I want to do it ASAP. I cant wait!!! I'll let you guys know how it goes tomorrow.

March 1st - It's been a while!

Hey guys! So its already march 1st and I haven't posted since the 21st of Feb. I had a bit of a mental break down over the last week. BUT I am happy to say that I'm back where I was at 194 lbs. My birthday is in a week and my goal is to get rid of those 4 lbs so I can be in the 180's and trust me, I'm going to make it happen lol!
I did read the 2 comments that were posted under my last blog and I just wanted to say thank you so much for the kind words.
A lot is happening right now and it had gotten to the point where I no longer felt happy with myself... with my journey. I hated myself for a bit there and its sad for me to admit that.

Over all, I've come to realize that I'm not alone.
Life goes on and its up to us to choose how we live it.
Stay strong <3